Waiting Room

To the beautiful one with the shaved head…

To the one struggling to tie your shoes…

To the one in the wheelchair, but still cracking jokes…

You are not alone. Our mortality is seemingly more evident in these moments, but your vulnerability is shared. 

To the volunteer walking around shaking each hand and saying, “Good morning. God bless you.”…

To the phlebotomist with the victorious first stick…

To the sweet receptionist at the front door…

And to the one who rang the bell today with young daughters in tow…

Every time I leave this place, my perspective has shifted. Thankful for the light of encouragement, kindness, and even celebration in a place most would view as dark. 

Matt. 5:14

A Parable of Two Syrups

I have always tried to provide healthy foods for our family, but about a year and a half ago, realized the labels on some of our "healthier" snacks still included the words "CONTAINS BIOENGINEERED FOOD INGREDIENTS". Since that time, I have been very focused on ridding our pantry and fridge of anything with those words. There has been some grumbling from T and Marcus, but for the most part, we have found substitutes they have deemed palatable. The one sticky point (pun intended) has been pancake syrup. I have tried no less than three organic/non-GMO syrups, and T still insists they are not as good. My dad actually brought T some regular old pancake syrup a few weeks ago, and I have allowed it…haha. So the other day, I made some homemade pancakes (with non-GMO ingredients, of course😉), and set them out for T's breakfast. I also had two bottles of syrup there...one organic and, in his words, the "real syrup". I told him he had a choice-the one that presents as sweet and perfect, but actually contains fake ingredients that, over time, could be harmful to him, or the one that contains one pure ingredient, nothing artificial. Guess which one he picked? 😂 In the same way, we often face decisions with two seemingly sweet options.  Do we make choices based on the surface presentation? Why don’t we dig deeper, “read the labels”, and pick the healthier choice? Instead of conditioning ourselves to enjoy the better path, we tend to pick the easy, instant-gratification one, without thought of future consequences. Food for thought…pun intended again.

Grief is Anticipated: Mother’s Day

This is the holiday I have been dreading the most. Valentine's Day and Easter were difficult, but I just knew this one was going to hit me hard. A week or so before though, I received this invitation from our daughter:

So, I spent Friday night in a Zoom watercolor class with our three wonderful children. We were instructed on how to paint a particular grouping of tulips (my favorite flower). It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received, and definitely the most precious two/three hours I have enjoyed in a while. Am I talented like my Mama? Definitely not! Our kids though, show some signs of inheriting her gift. I plan to have all four of our "masterpieces" framed, and hopefully place them in a grouping with my Mama's tulip painting. The moments and the paintings are ones I will cherish for the rest of my life. Absolutely PRICELESS.

It is actually Mother's Day now, and it is rainy outside this morning. It is almost as if Heaven is crying with us. I know the weather is not about us, but when my heart is tender, I see His heart in everything. Today, I see His heart and my Mama’s through our dining room windows in the form of rain and canna lily blooms. 

I posted these words to FB around Mother’s Day three years ago:

"My parents' canna lilies were absolutely gorgeous last year, and I mentioned them almost every time I visited. Last fall, my mama dug up some of her bulbs and shared them with us. How fitting that this first bloom showed up in our yard this weekend. Throughout my life, she has gifted me with unconditional love, constant encouragement, and consistent prayer...all things meant to help me flourish in this life. So, while the bloom is beautiful, it means so much more to me today."

For every Mother's Day since 2022, these blooms have shown up. This year though, we have more blooms than ever before. And in between the front windows where the blooms are best viewed, I have this piece of my Mama's artwork:

So, while I grieve, I am thankful. While I cry, I still smile. While I hurt, I am comforted. 

Grief is Different: Surgery

 0/10 recommend having surgery after losing your mother. Not only was the actual hospital experience traumatic because of memories related to the EKG, IV, and even the hospital gown, but the recovery is different, too.  As great of a caregiver as Marcus is, there really is no concern like that from your mother. Nothing is the same.

Grief is Hard: First Easter

I came over this morning to water flowers for my daddy since he is out of town with my aunts and uncles. Walking into their empty house almost broke me. I miss my mama every day and every time I walk in here, but being here alone somehow made the loss seem even more profound. Because I needed to pick up the rest of the family for church, I did not stay long. This afternoon though, I told the hubby I felt like I needed to just come sit in her chair and have a good cry. So that is what I have done tonight…cried, listened to praise music, pulled out her Bible and read the passages that she missed at church this morning, and then cried some more. I am not sure how Heaven celebrates the Resurrection, but I am sure it is so much better than some candy and an egg hunt. She has probably been at the feet of Jesus, so I cannot begrudge her that, but oh, how I miss her. Welcoming tears, sitting in grief, even in the midst of what is the biggest celebration…this is my first Easter without a mama.

Grief is Weird: Mom Jeans

When my mama was home between hospital stays, I would help her shower and get dressed. One day she wanted her best jeans. I sorted through her closet and pulled out the ones she described, and asked her where she even found Gloria Vanderbilt jeans these days. I think she said JCPenney. She told me they were her favorite brand  though and the only ones that fit her anymore. Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and while I was staying at their house, I did some of my laundry. I always hang my jeans up to dry and so did she. When I brought my clothes home after she passed away, I discovered I had a pair of those Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. I put them to the side to take back to their house. However, Friday before last, I accidentally grabbed them thinking they were some of my own jeans. I didn’t realize until I put them on and thought they felt a little different, so I looked at the label. I didn’t take them off. Were they my style? No. My size? Not really. But, they felt good, and I wore them to work that day. I’ve never been more proud to wear Mom jeans in my life.

Tuning out

I was diagnosed with nerve deafness when I was in second grade. At the time, my hearing loss was mostly to high-pitched sounds, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Over the years, my hearing grew progressively worse until I reached a point where I needed hearing aids. My parents gifted those to me a few years ago, and at first, I was amazed by all the sounds I had been missing. But, as time passed, I found wearing the hearing aids to be exhausting.  Going to a restaurant with hearing aids? Nightmare. Everything is amplified, not just the voices of the family around you. I still struggled to hear when people spoke to me because of the background noise. I have a theory about this (and it is not the least bit scientific). I think my brain was unable to process all of those other sounds because it was accustomed to my impaired hearing. I would get headaches if I wore my hearing aids all day. I truly breathed a sigh of relief every time I removed them from my ears...until I forgot to remove them once and got them wet. Oops.  Anyway, my point is that the background noise was completely OVERWHELMING to me.  I am much more content to not hear certain things.

Spiritually, I have been feeling overwhelmed by distractions for over two years. I am exhausted. Social media, streaming apps, etc. distract me from what is most important, and this leads to discontentment. The distractions are making it difficult to hear and experience what truly matters. Faith and Family. Just as my brain struggled to process the inundation of sounds, I think our hearts struggle to hear directly from the speaker of Peace when everything else is amplified.  So, I am going to try to silence some of this "background noise". I haven't decided exactly what changes I am going to make, but I am praying through it and trying to determine what is best. I know it will include some combination of reduced social media and electronics, and increased prayer and time in the Word.  I just have to figure out how to implement that. Have you experienced this struggle before? If so, what changes did you make?